The Triple-A Method for Trauma Healing
Once you have learned about yourself and your trauma response(s), take the time to break down how your trauma has manifested in all the areas of your life. Ask yourself these questions to help guide this step of your healing…
When we decide to look inward, we are allowing ourselves to take charge of our healing. While it is not our fault that we were traumatized, it is absolutely our responsibility to heal from it.
Don’t believe the bullshit about hurt people hurting people. Hurt people can heal people and that is the narrative that we should all learn to love and practice rather than excusing poor behavior due to trauma. We are not allowed to hurt others because we were hurt by hurt people. If you have come to this point in your life where you are searching for healing, then understand this- you are not allowed to excuse toxicity because of what has happened to you. Healing brings forth change. If things don’t change, your mentality, your behavior, and your surrounding energies (physical/relationship dynamics, in cuddling the one with yourself), healing has not ensued.
The final step to healing is accepting that what happened to you was meant to teach you something. Accepting that everything that has happened was meant to bring you to the point of diving enlightenment is simply the world’s intervention. Radical acceptance is the acknowledgment that life is as perfect as the one you are living today. Why do we have to experience trauma to be grateful? The short answer, is we don’t. Long answer, we don’t. Yet, we have free will. We all are born with the ability to choose. What choice will you make? The same one your aggressor(s) made? Or will you choose to break the cycle of pain and trauma?
Healing requires you to change the narrative that whatever happened to you was about the aggressor and not about you. Only your trauma response is about you. Society recognizes 3 commonly known trauma responses: Fight, flight, or freeze. A fourth and more subtle response is the emotional response to trauma, the FAWN response. I would like to add the 5th, the Freeing response. Once you have learned how you originally dealt with trauma, and have broken down how it has interfered with your life and your purpose, then it is time to accept the reality of the past pains and free yourself from them.
The freeing aspect of a trauma response is not acting as if it never happened to you but knowing that was 1. Not your fault. 2. Trauma happens to all. 3. You are not alone. 4. You can choose to help others but helping yourself (first)is key. Trauma is a permanent injury that may need therapy at times. New relationships or dynamics can expose your trauma differently. Healing from trauma is constantly having to revisit yourself (your faults, your responses to them, and wanting to do better). However, trauma is experienced differently by everyone. Learn what strategies work best for you.
This Triple-A effect is a summarized version of ways to heal but the world is abundant in medicine. Let’s change the narrative about the world being dark and gloomy. The universe is only as dark as you want to see it. Let’s shift the perspective and find the ways we can heal from within.
You cannot heal what you don’t reveal.
* Suggested Books -
Let me tell you how anxiety kept me from breathing and thinking straight. This past weekend I met 23 incredible women. Thanks to TikTok, I came across a page called Latina Mom Squad. Sometime after they posted something about having a Facebook group ( I love Facebook groups), I joined and saw they host events all over, and women who are Latina moms meet and just empower one another in so many ways.
I asked if we could have an event in my older area and was assigned as host for the event.
If you suffer from anxiety, you know that at first, we think everything's under control and that you go this… so as they say gets closer, we start to feel like we don’t (even though everything is cool).
I am a great host for house parties, dinners, and other smaller get-togethers but not an event for stranger Latinas. I was scared. I had never hosted something for complete strangers. I kept thinking that everything would go wrong.
On the morning of the event, I was having difficulty even breathing normally. I kid you not, I was not my normal, confident, organized self. I didn’t go to the gym. I didn’t get to clean my house. I didn’t even meditate. I was all out of whack.
The time came and I had to be on my way. At some point during my commute, I noticed that I was sweating. I mean, my armpits were drenched. What? TOO MUCH INFORMATION? That’s the point of a blog! Duh!
Back to my sweat…
I grabbed two napkins, I put them under each armpit and 10 seconds later- bam, they were drenched too.
I just couldn’t believe that I was sweating so badly. That’s when I had to pause and get myself together. I was able to collect myself after some breathwork exercises.
After some location changes, because the original location was packed, we finally met at a restaurant and a beautiful group of 24 women met for the first time, all hugs, all smiles, and all love! It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had.
All Latina women/mothers of Latin children gathered, talked, ate, and shared drinks like sisters.
I left thinking, I am glad I never flaked out. I am glad I pushed through the anxiety and met these beautiful women. I also met another small part of me. I learned that I am a fighter. I fight through troubling times and always come through stronger.
I have dedicated my life to trying to understand other people, especially those who have hurt me in some capacity. However, my Jesus Year “33” has taught me to stop giving a flying fuck about their story. We all have a story. Truth be told, no story should excuse anyone for their damn behavior.
I sound mad right? Well, I am. For the first time, I am giving myself permission to feel to get the hell out of my head.
I am making way for the blessings coming my way in abundance, and for me to do that, I have to let go of the energies that seem to have a hold on me.
I look forward to reaching yet another level of healing, but I will keep feeling and releasing because it’s my time to rise again.
I was taught to care for others first and not myself. I was given baby dolls for Christmas instead of cars as I wanted. I have always hated the idea of little girls playing around with dolls. The idea of little girls having to care for others and not the boys just didn't sit well with me. I did not know why I hated it but looking back, I just knew that taking care of others was a setup and found it unfair that my little brother got toys he could have fun with and not have to take care of like a parent.
I was told to marry well since I had specific taste in clothing. There was little faith in me, but to ensure that when I got married, I would be a good wife. A Latina by 13 (average) should know how to cook and clean and do it well. In essence, I was raised to serve the man, the husband, the house, the children (nothing wrong with this), but no one prepared me to serve myself first!
At 32 years old, I had decided to focus on ME, loving me. At 32, I did some mirror work with a spiritual psychotherapist, and she asked me to say, “I love you,” while I looked in the mirror. It was the hardest thing to do ever.
We, men and women alike, fall in love with other people so easily and legitimately will look at their good and ignore the red flags in hopes of a future with them.
Why can't we do the same for ourselves?
I am happy to report that since I looked in the mirror and said, “I love you, Lillian, I have been falling in love with myself since then and the life I live. I have become very comfortable being in my own company and enjoying the times I sit in reflection or simply alone.
I do love Lillian, and I challenge you to fall in love with yourself.
Learn to serve yourself.
Learn to truly love yourself.
So the same way Mel Robbins suggests you high-five yourself (believe that you can and celebrate what you have done), I challenge you to say, “ I love you” in the mirror until you do love yourself.
I remember when... I remember... I remember when I lost my mind
Ha! I had to start off with a little tidbit of one of my favorite jams!
Well… I do remember when I seemed so distorted with anxiety & when
depression had me in a chokehold on my entire being.
Coming into the age of Christ this week, the age of grace (33 years), I vow to have the most grace with myself while I continue to uncover the layers of conditioning and trauma.
My life, like everyone else’s, has been full of ups and downs. My story is pretty much summarized in my memoir. If you haven’t read it, you can purchase it here…
There have been many many ups and I am so grateful for them.
Turning 33 having accomplished so many beautiful things in my lifetime thus far puts so much into perspective. Here are 33 lessons I have learned : NOTE: I don’t love them all and still find them hard to process at times or to put into practice but the universe won’t let you forget them.
1. I cannot make anyone else happy but myself.
2. I am responsible for how I handle every single situation.
3. There’s nothing wrong with me.
4. Humility has nothing to do with money.
5. Love should be unconditional but it isn’t.
6. Saying no can be better than saying yes.
7. Always say yes to yourself.
8. Put yourself first, not only, just first.
9. My children don’t belong to me (not in the way we think).
10. Nothing is permanent.
11. Love languages can change over time.
12. Age does not determine wisdom or maturity.
13. Manifestation is real.
14. Politics don’t stop at the governmental level.
15. Money is an illusion.
16. Luxury is superficial.
17. Mental peace can be confused with boredom.
18. Everyone is capable of learning.
19. Only a few people will really value your energy and efforts.
20. God is love.
21. Working hard is not overrated.
22. Relationships are hard when you are not on the same frequency levels.
23. Not everyone will understand you.
24. Life is too short on earth when you spend it doing the things you don’t love.
25. Your spirit/energy is your actual existence.
26. The truth hurts no matter what.
27. Forgiveness may not include forgetting.
28. Your youth has already taught you everything you need to know about yourself.
29. Growing up is not about finding yourself, it's about uncovering the layers that were put on you as a child/adolescent.
30. Love is nothing like movies, Disney, your parents, books, etc. It is unique to every person.
31. People do as they see, not what they hear.
32. Say what you mean.
33. Listen to understand and not to reply.
These were only a few in between the hundreds…
Cheers to me and all the lessons that are yet to be learned. Stay along for the journey and keep up with my blogs and other projects.
After watching Sex/Life on Netflix,
I started to wonder a lot about monogamy
Haven't we all?
Well, let’s go to google and see what the definition is.
**Spoiler Alert** If you haven’t watched it, the following is a little giveaway.
The main character, Billie, a married woman undergoes a challenge in her life. Her thrill for life and passion was not being “met” by her very stable and handsome, loving, husband Cooper with whom she had been with for 8 years already. Suddenly she began to journal and fantasize about her ex. The ex, Brad was also handsome, wealthy, but legit all about sex. Billie was wild and free prior to meeting Cooper. She explored these wild desires with Brad. She was adventurous and not shy about her sexuality at all. With Cooper, she had settled into motherhood, wife, and housewife in the suburbs.
Keyword: settled. 🙄
Why do people settle at all if they know it won’t be enough?
Billie and Brad had a horrible relationship and breakup. Despite all of that she still thought about Brad often. Billie was not satisfied with her husband (sexually) At one point she thought she could have this with Brad, the whole 100% but because of the toxicity of their relationship- she decided to give Cooper a chance and see if she could have it all. This is when the 80/20 rule comes into play for me. The 80/20 rule is simply the general term or calculation used to exemplify how people operate. When people have the 80% yet lose it all for the 20%, is beyond me. In this case, you could assume that Cooper was meeting Billie’s needs at 80% and Brad was the other 20% that she needed to feel “whole”.
The show also got me thinking about why people cheat at all.
My conclusion: People cheat because they cannot fulfill their own happiness so they become dependent on external factors like sex to make them feel complete.
So the follow-up question or curiosity is :
Can monogamy be achieved when someone in a marriage like Billie and Cooper’s struggles with sexual fantasies and desires?
My prognosis is Hell Nah!
Can a 32-year-old experience a midlife crisis?
What a question! As I showered this morning I realized that I could potentially be living through a midlife crisis. I mean I know I am only 32 but my life has been everything but ordinary. Most people begin their lives now. Most people marry in their early 30's and have kids throughout their 30’s and 40's. Considering the age I had my children and got married, I am right there in terms of phases of life where the 30-year-olds are now in their mid 40’s going through the changes!
I don’t feel older physically or mentally but emotionally I am so drained.
My children are now 14 and 15. They start school this week. I officially have two kids in high school and I cannot deal with it!
Somehow I feel like they are slipping away from my fingertips and they no longer need a mom. I know I am exaggerating (to a certain point) but as a woman who dedicated her youth to her children and became an adult as a mother, the role is everything I know and love (aside from the role of wife) that I love and hold so dear and near to my soul.
Once upon a time, my chipmunks were warm and cozy in my womb and as they grow older into needing less of me, I find myself at a loss of time and energy. I programmed myself to give and now I am finding myself useless. I know that this is the cycle of life but man, when reality starts to set in my heart, I begin to feel so lonely.
I started to experience the roller coaster of emotions last month. My husband and I sat on a beach in Perdido Key, Florida listening to Sade and having a couple of cold ones. Life was feeling good. My kids were in the ocean with huge smiles on their faces and their skin sun-kissed to the max. I stared at their curly hair, imagined their laughs over the sound of the waves and the people talking on the shore and their mix of music. That’s when it hit me. They didn’t need me anymore. I sat there with a huge hole in my heart. I felt like my favorite role on a tv show was canceled. Like my favorite dish on the menu was discontinued. Like my favorite song is no longer on the radio. Like my life was over. I know I sound dramatic as hell. But I am a mother. Above all, above woman, above wife, above educator, above friend. I have always been a mom. A caregiver. A giver period! And now, I feel like a part of my life no longer makes sense.
I am a busy woman aside from being a mom and wife. I teach full-time. I have a podcast called, True Lessons. I am a life coach and am currently in school to get certified. I clean and cook and love to read and watch movies/tv series wherever I have “extra time”. I know I am busy but being a mom fills me up.
I know that this is a hard transition and I know they haven’t officially left the nest yet but the feeling alone of not being needed as I used to leave me with so much room to do more for me and it’s something I have to get used to now.
I am grateful for their health, our health, and I am thankful that my biggest pain right now in my life is that life is literally moving swiftly into the stages of life that it's supposed to. I have to relearn myself. I have to relearn my life. I have to relearn and unlearn so many things about myself as a parent and woman.
Many people may think that this is awesome. I am 32 and already have the freedom to dedicate so much time to myself after raising such amazing human beings but if you know me personally you know that being a mother is not only my favorite role in life, it has been almost everything to me. Through them, raising them, I became an adult myself and so we grew up together. Perhaps that is the biggest part of myself that I am having trouble accepting. We have to go our separate ways and I have to learn to be someone other than the roles I play in life.
I know exactly what I have to do. I know exactly how to do it. I just don’t want to. LOL
And no, I don’t want a fancy car or to cut my hair or to go wild. I know life is short but my life is only about to begin and I have lived a whole life as a mom and wife at 32 already!
So my midlife crisis drama is not about age, it's about the experience.
My midlife crisis is not about what I am missing or fear of missing out on the little bit of youth I have left because truth be told, I am very very young.
My midlife crisis is about emotions.
I am sure I will go through another one (midlife crisis) when my back and knees give out completely one day, but until then, I will keep you all posted here- through my blogs, media posts, books, and my podcast.
As I sat down to get my nails done today, I stared at the colors behind my nail technician. I had already selected a color, yet I felt impelled to choose another color. Then my mind went from wanting one color to another and then another and another. Ladies, we have all second-guessed our nail color choice, even though it's for only 2 weeks! What I couldn’t believe was that there were so many beautiful colors I had never noticed before.
Why hadn’t I looked before?
I usually watch a show or listen to a podcast when I’m getting my nails done but guess what? I left my phone at home. Yeah - I know! Shocker! If you know me, you know that I always have my phone with me. I did realize I didn’t have my phone when I was already a couple of blocks away and decided I would be right back anyway so why not leave it? I panicked for like 5 minutes and then felt so free to just be.
So basically - leaving my phone at home allowed me to see the beautiful array of colors that I had never noticed before.
I had walked around so distracted for so long that I neglected what was in front of me the entire time.
This is what they mean when they say- put your phone down. Look up and literally look at all the beauty the world has to offer! In my case, it was a simple recognition of the options right in my face.
Two songs come to my mind when I think of this experience:
True Colors sang by Cindy Lauper and Colors of the Wind sang by Judy Kuhn
It is ironic that the more you know and grow, the more you understand that you know nothing at all, or I should say not enough. I like to indulge in certain pleasures like coffee daily and wine to unwind. However, the more I become intrigued with the world of peace and harmony, the less I seem to want it, but the more I seem to need it. It seems like my body and mind have adapted to certain “pleasures” yet, it is never satisfying enough. Here’s an example, I drink coffee every morning because It has become habitual/routine-like. If I don’t have coffee, I feel like I am skipping something in my life. I may not even catch a headache, and it seems like emptiness waves over me by noon if I have not had my coffee. I need to drink water! I seriously need to drink more water.
I once dropped coffee for six months, “cold turkey” and survived fine without it. I missed the aroma and first gulp feeling, but that’s it. So, the question becomes, do I need coffee, or am I just used to it?
Here’s another twist. I stopped drinking alcohol during Lent. Even though I do not practice Catholicism, I like to take a little challenge during this time. Once Easter came around, I drank one nice juicy glass of sangria and the next day had a glass of chardonnay with my meal. Yet, my mood did not change, nor did my mental state become unaltered.
On the fourth day after the no alcohol challenge, my son asked me,
“Mom, you can drink again. How do you feel about that?”
To which I replied, “Honestly, I drink, but it does nothing; it feels the same way.”
He added, “So what’s the point in drinking at all”?
I was shocked. He is right. Our minds are wired to feel caged in when we feel prohibited, but in reality, things that are prohibited or restricted are because they are no good for you and all along are unnecessary.
I’m on a mission (been on a mission for a healthier me, emotional, mentally, and spiritually), and I keep seeing posts that talk about spirituality and alcohol not aligning. This got me thinking. It seems like changes must come about to understand spirituality at its best and truly benefit from all the energy I continue to invest in being a better person every day. My intention is not to relinquish all indulgences but to restrict them, so I can truly live a more fruitful life.
First step: drink more water, I guess! 😜
Lillian likes to share her thoughts. Sometimes her experiences are shared here and on her podcast; True Lessons
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